Monday, October 16, 2006

The pressure of knowing

Though it's getting colder & I still do not have heat and electricity (beyond what's going on inside my body). I'm coming out of a bitter cold feeling towards what is and people in general, hence my delay in posting. Not been so worried about being physically cold, but succumbing to a cold heart has been an issue as of late. You might not know it by the end of this post as my blood boils and I spit out the poison that makes me sick, but I'm feeling better now. I think it's true; even if this does not end on a hopeful note.

I think this is a good place for me to let it go, even if it is not private and authorities have access. Mostly just cause it's easy to archive and I do like to share some of these times in my life with others. As for "the man's" watchful eyes... It may be hard to believe nonsense, but you better believe you can be watched these days, ask the CA 14 year old girl who got pulled out of Bio.class by the FBI and interrogated today for posting an antiwar cartoon on her myspace blog. Anyway, read on if you like, knowing it's not a good space to be in and that I want to stay away from there for as long as I can this time, but maybe you feel the same way and it will be a cathartic journey for both us.

To tell you the truth I think about some people I know and the attitudes they have adopted which seem so hard and hopeless, full of the language of male violence and self importance and know that is where you go when you give in to this royal mess. talking about "i'll just shoot that fucker this and these people need to get what's coming to them" type of rhetoric. I feel totally put down by it and it makes me feel less towards the signs of solidarity and good will that people do often extend towards others. I think we are a society consumed by this way of acting and thinking. Like clockwork, from that "i'm a hard ass" stance I wonder if my friends could easily forget about me and dismiss me also if I gave up on trying to create change and some stability around us since I have struggled not to do to the same to the aforementioned friends of mine with less and less success. Why hold onto people who seem to be lost to the world as it is? For the sake of keeping love, support and struggle alive I have these people in my life (somewhat) even though it's not really a good thing right now, or is it?

I wonder if I could just say fuck it all, hole up in the Upsidedown house and make really intense music and poetry, and possibly feel better than I had been trying to do something about what I see, however pathetic that would be- finally a loser punk having given in to the pressures of knowing and chosing to withdraw into self, dark and alone, occasionally coming out to vent in public about the latest genocide, like a big public fart. How useful is that?

Some days I talk of having a child or think about my 3 year old nephew and feel disgust at the thought of the lives of children in this world, and think "no way", especially because of the imbalance of power that is seeping into everything and the ignorance of this country's inhabitants. Many would say their lives, chances for kids and the world are altogether in a better state now and I would whole heartedly DISAGREE. I'd say more like a step forward and 2 steps back. And hell yes am I being cynical and judgemental. When someone throws the word "rape" around or talks about prisons as industry and the potential to make some money by getting into the business, or how about a charter school in Arizona, that includes Kindergarten, where the whole school is centered around teaching capitalism overtly, all different people in the space of an hour...well it's asking a little bit much to not feel cyncial? These are all examples per conversations I had or were near this weekend and they make me not want to have kids, but just try and help the ones who are here now and have inherited this military madness.

People are so tied up into the myths that so called leaders have made up and to speak up all the time makes me feel sick of it all. As a matter of fact these last times I got to be in the presence of so much ignorance I didn't even bother to speak up, but I also didn't get totally drunk as a means of dealing either, which I would say gets me about on the breaking even scale of acting responsibly. Speaking of "even", saw the band The Evens last week, good music, interesting form, nice try, but in the end couldn't get down with what felt like a very Liberal politic. Whatever.

I feel hatred at where we are. I understand what is happening in the world of terrorism and war and decision making I think pretty fucking well. Most people who are subjected to all this are the civilians,everyday people who are elderly, the infirmed, the children and could be my family and firends. Yea, I got a little bit of hate in my right now. Not at these people, but just how fucked up that is. And like it said it a scene from one of my favorite movies where some future post apocalyptic news is being read in Hardware, "it's going to get worse before it get's better".

I don't want to get over what is going on in this country though I just want it to fucking stop. As it pushes towards a totalitarian state and decimates, threatens and exerts it's terribly cconfused philiosophy of the elites on the world, I need to release the knowing and find more hope. Probably more spray painting in my life would be a good thing, but then I likely is it that one day I will be on the other end of a prison penpal.

I think back at my life in response to all this carnage and have to say that I'm doing ok. No, as a matter of fact I've got a pretty good story to tell about finding out not only about how this system really does do some serious internal damage, but also how we can heal from what is inflicted on us t just by getting out there and doing hopeful things with others. I was thinking the other day, not counting just thinking about the world since I was a youth, but actually engaging in the culture of disent and trying to do something different, that it's been about 15 years. SO what? Well I'd say cheers to stepping up for collective action and the history of resistance, because it can not only keep you alive, but kicking too. More than ever those stories are out penetrating the dominant paradigm too and I am not going to give in because I want mine to be there too, so not only can I try to effect change in this life, but even after I am gone. You don't even have to be a famous bad ass, the likes of Goldman, Malatesta, Kicking Bear, or countless others, because I've had friends who aren't with us any more and only a few people will ever know of them, but those of us who do remember that they are tatooed unto our spirit and we have to stick together and shake these feelings of so much hate and trade them in for renewed comittment to fucking this bullshit up.

well, just got kicked off the library computer, so hope it makes sense.


At 8:40 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 7:27 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 8:10 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 8:27 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 10:15 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey- i deleted a bunch of spam comments on here so don't worry that some one's messing with the blog...
creighton z ness


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