Saturday, September 09, 2006

end of the world as we know it

Waiting for the storm, resting.

My thoughts are running down and over onto each other like the large drops running down a windshield during a downpour, creating that melting effect. The world outside drips into a hallucinogenic puddle. There's nothing for keeping everything whole, together and protected, except windshield wipers that only provide for an instance of seperation and clarity. In those instances I try to write what I see, even if it's just a trickle that comes out onto a page.

What I really like about being outside with the thunder rumbles is waiting to feel it. It moves into me and shakes me momentarily. It's not a pure moment with the traffic, planes, birds, squirrels and crickets heard (and of course the city's ever present sounds of sirens), but I still feel the thunder. I anticipate a good one to grab me soon. I have never smoked cigarettes, but this is what I imagine it's like and good for; that aniticipation and moment of having something pleasing inside you.

Pulling up after work I notice that gallon of paint behind me on the floor board came open and flooded my back seat. I decided in that instance I would like a beer, but first I must at least begin to deal with my most recent catastrophe. Luckily it only destroyed my plans drawn out on poster sized paper for a pedal powered washing machine, compost toilet and fun stuff like that, great. The can was sitting on top of all that folded up paper. After scooping it out with the drawings the rest will just leave a stain and a smell to go with the smell of the 1/2 gallon of goat's milk I spilled a few days ago that I've been driving around with.

I go up up to the counter afterwards, 6 pack in hand, perhaps a look on my face somewhere between haggard and grim, and my man at the counter looks me in the eye and I swear begins to sing, "it's the end of the world as we know it." I move on from the paint incident and begin to seriously contemplate this.

It's a catchy enough song, but why? Why not? Could just be in his head? Can he tell there's something up with me from my face and what I have in hand? The daily (certain to be depresing)radio news is not on in the store to bring this on...

As I begin to walk, I think maybe it is because he sells alcohol, cigarettes, pop and lottery tickets all day long, day after day, in a city in a country of people who do the same thing. Could that have something to do with what makes him sing aloud songs like this? But, I realize finally that the end of the world as we know it should not necessarily conjure up negative feelings, like my visualizing total annhilation. I think maybe for me it is more important that it means visualizing change. Point. It starts by changing our minds, like how we react to something and what we think about it and then after that, there's the work to do.

I think many North Americans change their minds a lot, especially through drug use. No, really I think it's healthy to consider changing the reasons why we do drink and smoke so much, and where the end of the world as we know it might just fit in to all that. To be honest about it there's no doubt a very negative reason behind all this ending the world as we know it business. The list of what is wrong is as long as wide and it feels petty to just list off a few things on the list like genocide, the continued existence of slavery, prisons, torture, sexual assault, depression. But, with racism, sexism, and stuff like that in the air we breathe, a country I live in starting wars throughout it's existence, and so much more on this list (we won't really go into) still we must not only try to get by, but struggle against what we do know is on the list, and FOR something with hope and vision, otherwise all of humanity is doomed. I truly believe we are at that point.

While I'm at it I might as well mention I think it is inevitable for us to fail as long as we seperate ourselves from what is good for the earth, but to the extent our species perishes, or the least fortunate and priveleged are assured to lead miserable lives and deaths...that I do not believe is inevitable.

In taking on this house and with so many more days to look forward to, of cuts and eyes full of dirt, on the edges of what I can get away with, wondering what I am doing to my body and if it is worth it, this place I am trying to create along with so many other things- I hope I can offer up something informative, hopeful, inspiring and if not, humorous.


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